The Guides for Starch

Related Link » Starch Poisoning
“Starch is a substance, one form of which is used for cooking, and another of which is used to add firmness and shape to clothing. Starch poisoning occurs when someone accidentally or intentionally swallows starch.”
— Health Guide, March 15, 2010 (NYT)

Morte de Césare (Death of Caesar) by Vincenzo Camuccini

Once upon a time, in a country far, far away, there was a Capo di tutti capi named 3-Fingers Julie, who enjoyed having pasta with every meal, even for breakfast. Back in those days, so did almost everybody else. And that is where the common expression, "Pasta — it's what's for breakfast, lunch and dinner!" comes from. 3-Fingers Julie came by his colorful name not, as is normally surmised, because of some vague allusion to having had them bitten off in a no-holds-barred mob brouhaha, but because he was born via a C-section that had gone awry. But I digress ...

Anyway, Big Julie The C, as his friends and enemies called him, was well on his way to eliminating all the competition in the Starch Rackets, thereby "cornering the market" in Starch, when his remaining competition devised a plan to preempt his victory. They had read the NYT "Guides for Starch" and decided to turn the tables on him, so to speak, and use his love of pasta to whack him. They invited him to a Great Pasta Feast on March 15, which they knew he could not resist.

When March 15 rolled around, and despite his friends' warnings to beware it, Big Julie The C went to the Great Pasta Feast. As he was passing by the corner known as the Roman Forum, a funny thing happened. His hosts ambushed him and force-fed him uncooked starch, having read about its toxic side effects in the Guides for Starch. As Big Julie The C fell to the ground, he was reputed to have groaned to one of his attackers, Big "4-Fingers" Brute, who used to be one of Big Julie's lieutenants, "D'you eat too, Big Brute?"

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