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Dr. Melissa's Relationship Tips

1. Keep the mystery alive
2. Call rarely
3. Retreat from conflict
4. Don't expect your spouse to meet your sexual needs
5. Spend time cultivating interests that don't include your spouse
6. Don't change
7. Don't apologize
8. Don't give tokens of affection
9. Ignore special dates
10. Stop saying “I love you”

 — Dr. Melissa Clouthier (April 1, 2008)

Dr. Clouthier's advice makes a lot of sense, especially if you consider the elaborations she includes for each of the 10 tips (see her original post). But, of course, her elaborations are from the female point of view. Herewith are my own elaborations, which all men will no doubt understand implicitly:

TheBigHenry's Relationship Tips

1. Keep the mystery alive: We've all been there, guys. Women always know when you're lying. Keep your mouth shut.
2. Call rarely: Hey, you can't let your buddies think you're p*ssy-whipped.
3. Retreat from conflict: You can't win. Don't even try.
4. Don't expect your spouse to meet your sexual needs: Expect her to exceed them, which could also be a problem, however.
5. Spend time cultivating interests that don't include your spouse: Otherwise, you'll drive each other crazy.
6. Don't change: You can't improve on perfection. Am I right?
7. Don't apologize: Look, the last time I was wrong was back in '76 (I thought I had made a mistake).
8. Don't give tokens of affection: I hardly ever use the subway.
9. Ignore special dates: Every day is special.
10. Stop saying “I love you”: A simple “ditto” is sufficient.

Note to Wifey: Happy April Fool's Day!

Post #696 It's OK; I'm a Doctor!