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Thursday, September 6, 2012

Egg yolk and curiosity may be dangerous to your health

Curiosity killed the cat

English: Chicken egg 日本語: 鶏卵
Chicken egg (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
A funny thing happened on my way to breakfast today. Being of a certain age, I have been encumbered by several eating restrictions, due to my type 2 diabetes and slightly elevated cholesterol. My wife, who is knowledgeable in almost all things, including nutrition, is concerned about my eating habits, and has made it a point to insure that I eat a healthy breakfast. As most men know, however, "healthy" in this context usually means, "It tastes like shit, but it's good for you". Nevertheless, she has given me permission to have breakfast outside our home, twice a week, though I am on my honor not to go crazy during these outings.

Today being one of my two weekly breakfast-outings, my wife cautioned me against egg yolk, which has recently been found to be not among the healthy breakfast foods. Egg white, however, is still OK, albeit leaning heavily towards "tastes like shit". In any case, I always honor my wife's admonitions, and she repays the honor by reading carefully all of my blog posts.

So I truck-on over to my favorite local diner, happily anticipating the blessings of a breakfast suitable for a red-blooded American male. This, of course, always includes meat, which God would not have invented if he had intended men to be vegetarians. He is, above all, a merciful God.

After being seated by a cheerful but, as it turns out, woefully uninformed hostess, I dutifully asked her if they served egg-white-only omelettes. She told me that my waitress would be able to investigate such a complex inquiry. But, to her credit, she did know that egg dishes of some sort are available.

I maintained my anticipation, albeit at a somewhat diminished level of enthusiasm. When the waitress arrived with coffee and water, I asked about the egg-white only, and as luck would have it, they did indeed provide that service. Moreover, I had a choice between egg-white and something called "egg-beater". I was elated and somewhat intrigued.

Anybody who knows me well, knows what to expect when I am presented with a choice. I always, without exception, request that the precise difference(s) between my choices be carefully explained in language that makes sense. This I am wont to attribute to curiosity; but truth be told, there must be an anal component to it.

To my chagrin, she did not know the difference between egg-white and egg-beater, and suggested that there really wasn't any difference. Ordinarily, a hungry man would drop it and possibly flip a coin to make such an apparently trivial choice. Sadly, that is not what I decided to do. I asked to speak with the chef.

Soon thereafter, a large man, wearing that silly-looking big white hat, came towards my table, scowling as if it was way past his scheduled cigarette break. His opening statement hinted that this wasn't going to end well: "I hear you've been harassing the waitress". I quickly denied doing any such thing, but only wanted to know the difference between egg-white and egg-beater.

The next thing I know, he draws from underneath his apron a large instrument that looked like a cross between a kitchen utensil and a monstrous gadget for torturing animals. His farewell remarks to me were, "If you ever darken the door to my diner again, I will demonstrate how this egg-beater is used to get rid of unruly patrons".

The worst thing about this outing-gone-bad is I had to settle for my usual healthy breakfast.

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