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Sunday, October 18, 2009

§ Two Strikes You're Out: The "Tripod" Rule

{T•of•C « Rule #1 » Rule #2}

§ ≡ One of an ongoing series of posts in which I promulgate, in my not-so-humble opinion, sensible rules for a society gone mad. Feel free to offer constructive dissenting opinions. But be advised: if your opinions aren't sensible, it's two strikes for you, and you're out of the gene pool.

If I only had some charisma I could rule this world-gone-mad at least as well as any community organizer. Quite possibly better. At least my legal system would be transparent, simple, and swift: if you are a stupid f*ck and do something that doesn't make any sense, your first offense earns you a reasonable penalty that fits your transgression. Your second offense earns you a one-way ticket out of the gene pool. No exceptions.
“I saw what they were bringing home; poetry and shit ...”
— From Dangerous Minds

Rule #1: The "Tripod" Rule

Any 2 points that are not coincident define a straight line. A third point that does not lie on the line defined by the first two points, defines a triangle, whose vertices are the 3 points so defined. A triangle defines a plane.

So what? Well, this is not only elementary plane geometry, but it also happens to be my obligatory rule for restaurant ownership. If you must own a restaurant you had better make sure every table in your restaurant is supported by a tripod. If you must ask "Why?" you immediately incur your first strike (see penalty, below).

Back in the day when everyone smoked and there were no "non-smoking" sections, everyone had packs of matches in their pockets, and the most useful application for said packs of matches was to adjust the levels of the table legs in restaurants so your table wouldn't wobble when your annoying kids put their elbows on it and thereby caused your wine to spill from its glass. Virtually nobody, except yours truly, seemed to understand that a tripod provides perfect stability no matter how misshapen the restaurant floor happens to be (and we all know they are all misshapen).

Penalty for first offense: A passing grade in remedial plane geometry.

Penalty for second offense, or whining about the first: A one-way ticket out of the gene pool. No exceptions.

Post #969 § Two Strikes You're Out: The "Tripod" Rule

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