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Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Wizzer of O: A Love Story

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a great community of people called HappyLand. And they prospered mightily. And all the other people who lived elsewhere wanted to come join the happy people. And many did; and they prospered too.

But some others, who wanted the cool stuff in HappyLand but didn't want to do any heavy lifting to reap such benefits, decided to make the happy people miserable, because, you know, misery loves company. So they attacked unsuspecting HappyLand, and many formerly happy people were murdered.

The Leader of HappyLand rose to the challenge and marshalled the formerly happy people, who were now pretty wizzed off, and together they kicked some major butt. But the cool kids in HappyLand didn't like the way the Leader (TheBigDubya) just kicked butt without sugarcoating the process.

The cool kids thought it was unseemly to just kick butt; they wanted the murdering slackers to love HappyLand and become more like the formerly happy people. They disregarded the fact that the murdering slackers just wanted to murder formerly happy people, because, you know, they weren't into "happy"; they were into "murdering".

So the cool kids turned on TheBigDubya and decided that he was responsible for everything bad that was happening to them. They needed to blame somebody, but it was just too unseemly to blame the murdering slackers. Too unseemly and too obvious. It just wasn't cool, you know? There had to be some more intricate reason for why HappyLand was being attacked. So they came up with a fanciful party line: Blame it on TheBigDubya.

Gas prices sky-rocketing? Blame it on TheBigDubya. Lost your job? Blame it on TheBigDubya. Wife won't shut the f*ck up about it? Blame it on TheBigDubya. Kids are lazy motherf*ckers? Blame it on TheBigDubya. And on and on like that.

Well, after a while this got to be a bit old, so the cool kids, who were basically morons but trendy, decided to look for a new Super Star to guide them. And, as luck would have it, there came upon the scene just what the doctor ordered: a Great Community Organizer — The Wizzer of O.

And "O", as His friends called Him, was a godsend. In fact, some of the more trendy cool kids said He was God, or at the very least a Being who had the power to send tingling up and down your legs and to organize the shit out of everything, with a bit of help from His personal scam artists, whom He liked to call "Czars".

Then, the proverbial shit hit the proverbial fan. The murdering slackers realized that The Wizzer of O was nothing more than an empty suit manipulating levers behind a see-through curtain, while His attack dog, the despised Rahm-it-up-your-ass Emmanuelle, kept chanting, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain; move along; nothing to see here."

And so it came to pass that the not-so-cool kids, the so-called conservatives, who were basically your Mom and Dad but who refused to clean your room and make breakfast for you, decided to take matters into their own hands and start dispensing some tough love (i.e., explaining in painstaking detail what stupid shits the cool kids were). And there was a great hue and cry in HappyLand. And some of the cool kids, the little motherf*ckers known as "acorns", were revealed to be not really cool at all but your basic motherf*ckers.

And The Wizzer of O was revealed, over and over again, to be nothing more than an empty suit pulling levers at random behind a see-through curtain.

h/t Theo

Post #950 The Wizzer of O: A Love Story

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