Note Well:
This blog is intended for rational audiences. Its contents are the personal opinions of its author. If you quote from this blog, which you
may do with attribution, please assume personal accountability for any consequences of mischaracterizing these expressed intentions.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Kelly Tops Pole

This just in:
"Men looking for casual sex are most likely to hit on girls called Kelly, according to a new survey."
Kelly topped a poll of girl's names that men reckoned were most up for sex, with Tanya, Debbie, Becky, Steph, Michelle, Tina, Lisa, Carly, and Nicky rounding out the top ten.

Correspondingly, women trying to avoid being propositioned a microsecond after asking, "You talkin' to me?", retrieve their mace the instant they know they have been addressed by a guy named Lee, with Dave, Andy, Steve, Kevin, Gary, Paul, Darren, Jason, and Ben making this top ten. If you are a guy with one of these unfortunate names, I'm sure you already know where I'm going with this.

So, what name should you choose to correct the horrible mistake your parents made on your birth certificate? Unfortunately, the folks who brought you the bad news above did not have the decency to provide you with an answer to your burning question. Why has no one ever conducted a survey that could benefit half the world's population?

Fear not, for a little thought and a basic knowledge of NBA history will provide the information you need. In fact, every man should write his Congressman to petition him for a Federal law that automatically would confer the nickname "Wilt" on every man child born in America. Subsequently, if this leads to unnecessary confusion in other aspects of everyday life, this law could be amended to include such alternatives as "Magic", "MJ", or "Warren". The latter name is not, strictly speaking, associated with the NBA, but only because of its famous owner's complete lack of credentials for playing basketball at the National level.

A final caution: Do not, I repeat, do not make the mistake of choosing Warren Beatty's given first name (Warren is his middle name). Mr. Beatty has good reason not to use his first name. I also have extensive anecdotal data this would only exacerbate your parents' mistake.

No comments:

Post a Comment